it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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