Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
