remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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