It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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