It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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