Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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