as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize