Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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