Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
