I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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