I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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