just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
