He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm just crazy horny about you
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
