I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
