Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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