i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Everything about him screamed your future.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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