I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
This house was built for laser tag.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
