I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
