well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Randomize
