Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
