Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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