Are we in a gay sports bar?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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