Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
