Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
