Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize