I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
