ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
