My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize