apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
