Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
