It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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