Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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