those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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