Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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