I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
What drink are we having for lunch?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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