so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
