Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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