people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
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