Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
