i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
