I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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