Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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