U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize