I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize