before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
