atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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