So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
