my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
