I love black thongs
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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