Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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