Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
