My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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