I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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