I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
