Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
